Last night, my wife found a piece of paper that I had written someones screen name on. She Googled it-Ugh! And confronted me about it when I got home from work-UGH! I was dumb to write it down...I was tired...very tired...I know better...I wrote it on the paper to take with me so I could contact this person from work.
I did not come out to my wife. I talked my way through it. I feel like a heal. I almost came out to her..ALMOST...so close yet so far away. What stopped you might ask? My children. The thought of loosing my kids hurts deeply inside. I love them with all of my heart and soul. They deserve better than me. How can I raise them up with values and on the other hand, I'm doing everything I'm teaching them not to do. I'm a failure. It hurts so bad....
I can't pick up the phone a call someone, because I have no one...well I have my online friend...but he just all about the sex...was hoping he would become a good friend...but yet...I don't see that going to happen. I hate the fact that I can't talk with him. He doesn't even know what happened last night. I have not shared...I know what his reaction would be...so I did not share. He has a partner...He can not be the friend I want or need.
It is all wearing me down...I can't take much more...I CAN'T
1 comment:
yeah, I know what you mean. My wife has asked if a couple of times if certain friends of mine are gay. I just say, I don't know... they don't talk about girlfirends or boyfriends...maybe. and try to leave it at that...
yet women have very good intuition and I think she suspects but maybe would rather not wish to know the truth. In both cases, they were guys I was 'intimate' with at time. My daughter has met one of the guys before a football game and my wife asked her if 'Mr. X' was gay. Mr. X. thought he had done a good job of being straight acting yet was nervous about meeting my kids - even in an innocent spirit of him just using the wife's ticket cause she wasn't able to go to the game. My daughter's simple matter of fact answer was "Oh yeah, he's gay." no pause, well maybe, let me think -- just he's gay.
I had to laugh a little about that. Not much has been said since then...
I wonder at times if I should just blurt it out, if I would be happier later... but I don't feel like i want to risk it. We are still like best friends and don't want to jeopardize that... but she is the frigid one who ultimately has the veto vote of 'no sex for you' ...like I'd ever cast that vote, even if I had the power :-)
...and that was part of the reason I started exploring a side of myself that I knew existing since jr. high, but kept closeted very tightly.
There are just so many unknowns in the future and I don't know which path i would be happiest taking... yet I know this is not good for me either. The hiding and reulting depression. There are times I feel a large boot is just crushing my chest.
Brothers in arms - I hear you and hope for the best - Good Luck, I hope the hurt abates quickly
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