Slipping Away

I am slipping away.....

No one has noticed....
No one cares.......
I just want to go away...far far away....
Who will catch me.....
Who will care......

He doesn't care...
I love him.....
but I don't think it is mutual..

open a door...shut a door....
shut a door...shut the door....
just shut the door...

I don't want to open myself up to anyone anymore...
I can't take it....
Just love me...Please...just love me

I Hurt Today

Last night, my wife found a piece of paper that I had written someones screen name on. She Googled it-Ugh! And confronted me about it when I got home from work-UGH! I was dumb to write it down...I was tired...very tired...I know better...I wrote it on the paper to take with me so I could contact this person from work.

I did not come out to my wife. I talked my way through it. I feel like a heal. I almost came out to her..ALMOST...so close yet so far away. What stopped you might ask? My children. The thought of loosing my kids hurts deeply inside. I love them with all of my heart and soul. They deserve better than me. How can I raise them up with values and on the other hand, I'm doing everything I'm teaching them not to do. I'm a failure. It hurts so bad....

I can't pick up the phone a call someone, because I have no one...well I have my online friend...but he just all about the sex...was hoping he would become a good friend...but yet...I don't see that going to happen. I hate the fact that I can't talk with him. He doesn't even know what happened last night. I have not shared...I know what his reaction would be...so I did not share. He has a partner...He can not be the friend I want or need.

It is all wearing me down...I can't take much more...I CAN'T

True Love

Many, many times, I often daydream about true love. Is there such a thing? Is there someone out there that I could really call my true love, my partner for life? I'm not sure! Can two people be fully committed to each other, love unconditionally and be soul mates. I hope one day to find out. I question this only because of my past. I am married, but have cheated on my wife. I have a very close friend, who has a partner. My friend has cheated on his partner(with me). I know this is wrong, but I've continued to do so. I don't want to continue. I want that one special person in my life. Am I being old fashioned? Is that not the norm these days? Is it too much of me to expect to have one person who is totally committed to me and I totally committed to him? I want to do life with someone.

....But before I can do life with someone...I must leave the life I currently have behind...and in that process, there are going to be people that get hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone. I've had my share of hurts and I don't want anyone to have to experience that. Sometimes I feel like I should just stay hidden...I should be the one hurting..no one every knowing the true me...but can I survive that way...can I hide the rest of my life...am I being true to myself and those around me...no...not if I continue to hide......

Where would I live...would my kids still love me....will I be alone..never finding that one special person....will I be reject by all those around me.....who would be there for me when I need a shoulder...a hug...just to be with someone....to talk...to cry with....

"Lost"

It's been a while since I have posted. I'm not a writer and it is hard for me to type what I'm feeling deep inside. So much is there...so much needs to come out...but not sure how to put all into words. Today as I was driving into work, I heard a song and it made me cry. I seem to be crying a lot lately. Spinning my wheels. Going nowhere...finding myself in a deep sadness. I have even somewhat backed away from my online friend this past week. That is a different story, for a different post.


Because I don't express myself the way I like to, I find that songs are a way of being able to express myself. So with that, I'm posting the lyrics to "Lost". Not sure why this song touched me so much. I think the message to me is that one day I won't be lost. The sadness comes because I am lost...I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel......There is no one at the end of the tunnel to even help me find my way out. I am out in this big world of ours...reaching up..searching for a hand to pull me up...but the hand is not there. I want that hand. I want that hand to pull me close and hug me...to touch me..to love me......

I can't believe it's over

I watched the whole thing fall

And I never saw the writing that was on the wall

If I only knew

The days were slipping past

That the good things never last

that you were cryin'

Summer turned to winter

And the snow, turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognize the "guy" you are today

And God I hope it's not too late

It's not too late

Cuz you are not alone

I'm always there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

When you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe you're not lost

When your world's crashing down

And you can't bear the thought

I sad babe you're not lost

Life can show no mercy

It can tear your soul apart

It can make you feel like you've gone crazy

But your not

Though things have seemed to change

There's one thing that's still same

In my heart you have remained

And we can fly, fly, fly away

Needing to talk with someone

Well, since I have on one to talk to about what I want to talk about, I'm going to talk about it here. See, I few months ago (November, 2007) I answered a posting on Craigs List. We talked back and forth and decided to meet in a neutral spot to say hi.

We hit it off and ended up meeting again at his place a couple of weeks later. We don't get to meet very often....he has a partner...I have a wife..he travels...his partner travels..they are together a few days each week...etc...etc..etc........

Today we were to meet and that didn't happen. I'm sad. I like him very much. I wish we could see each other more often (see above). I would love to be able to pick up the phone and call him, but can't (see above). I want to know more about him and I want him to know more about me..but can't (see above). I want to hear his voice and hear him laugh..but can't (see above). I want to be held...I want to be touched...I want to be loved...I want to love...but CAN'T (see above)--sigh :O(.

I'm Tired of.......

1. Working two jobs to make ends meet
2. My children fighting all the time
3. Not waking up next to someone I love
4. Not falling asleep next to someone I love
5. Being married
6. Looking in the mirror every morning and not liking what I see
7. Pretending to be someone that I'm not
8. Being lonely
9. Not having many friends
10. The once a week (sometimes) meeting with a friend that I met online (I want more)
11. Not being able to open up and share with my once a week friend
12. Not being able to pick up the cell phone and call my once a week friend
13. My so called friend who lived a double standard and told me otherwise
14. My mother not thinking I'm good enough
15. My father who never showed me love
16. My real mother for not letting me know who she is
17. Not having someone that makes real love to me
18. Not having someone to talk with...to just be a friend
19. Me
20. Looking for hookups online
21. Lack of sleep
22. Throwing up
23. Hiding
24. Crying
25. Sadness